Thursday, July 20, 2006

cat corner

it's been a cat dilemma ever since my 14 yr old passed away last year. the kitten, isis, that i'd gotten to keep him company went berserk and wouldn't pee anywhere but the corners--every corner. no physical problems, just depression i guess. and even though i cleaned everything, i figure she still smelled the sickness and death of skipper. after months and lots of $$, so i thought a companion for her would help. enters rocky. although they got along smashingly, isis still peed only in the corners. so i figured the best thing for her was to start over in a new home, where there were no memories & no smells, so i gave her away. then there was only rocky. my girlfriend was moving & couldn't take her cat of 3 years, lola, so enters lola. now i've had cats for most of my 50 year and i've found that initial introductions are best without a lot of human involvement, but lola is quite different. she just hides. i brought her out to show her where her food was and she sat with me for awhile on the sofa, but soon disappeared when ken came in the door. later, he brought her out and she settled comfortably beside him for hours. of course rocky couldn't get anywhere near without her hissing and growling and he just backs away like "ok fine, be by yourself." but now, she has found herself a perfect hiding place. so good in fact, that I can't find her. i figured i'd try the "psychological" approach and put her in the bedroom as a safe place, with all her stuff and just let her get comfortable enough in there and meet rocky through the door. my fear is that she won't even come out from under the bed or behind the mirror even then.
ah well, its something to take my mind off of not getting any work done. maybe the whole ordeal will inspire me somehow.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Convoluted ravings

there's so many things that bother me today, from the fact that we are charging $300 to be evacuated from Lebanon, to the proposed ban on "trans fats" for restaurants in Chicago (like we in Chicago have NOTHING else to think about, maybe like homelessness, hunger, crime, etc, etc), to the damn incessant HEAT. of course it's cooler today only 83. i've actually turned off the ac and open windows. getting myself prepared for the reading tonight at Muse Cafe, then figuring out what to do with the day. didn't really feel like blogging, didn't feel like doing the business plan or the grant proposals, and this after i wrote that wonderful article yesterday about FOCUS. what a lot of bullshit. if only i could practice what i preach. i live my life as if i were actually independently wealthy with no responsibilities of obligations. it's really quite nice except for the grip of guilt occasionally and then the clamp of reality regularly. inspiration is what i need.

Monday, July 17, 2006

hocus, pocus, FOCUS

i don't understand why focus is so difficult these days. it never used to be. when i worked for someone else, i knew what time i started, what time i finished and i knew exactly what to do and when to do it in between. now, working for myself, i just don't seem to know--when to start, what to do first, when to quit. it's frustrating as all hell. grant proposals to write--for pay. business plans to write for pay. a poetry manuscript to edit. a short story manuscript to compile. a website to complete, both personal and for pay. this whole blogging thing to work on. and then of course there are dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, building relationships. on and on and on. ahhhhhh! the whole thing about setting a schedule to work by is psychological. i get this feeling then that i'm no longer independent, once again on a time table. yet here's the thing. if there's no time table, then nothing REALLY gets done. haphazard and scattered bits and pieces. i've had no customer complaints, except the one internal customer--ME!

so, i've started something i've NEVER done-a to do list. not in any kind of order, the first thing to do is get it all down, brainstorm, everything that can be thought of that needs doing, keeping household seperate from both personal and paid work. then decide which takes priority. sometimes this can cross over because sweeping or cooking can free up the mind to receive ideas for the others. it's gonna take at least a day to get everything organized, at least for me, to have all paid stuff ordered together, all personal, etc.

then caluclate at LEAST an 8 hour day, just like a job. when i first became self-employed i used to get up and prepare myself just like i was going to the office. i've since gotten lazy and usually get up, grab a cup of java and sit down at the computer. WRONG! shower, brush teeth, get dressed and THEN go to work! there's an old saying about saving money, that you pay yourself first, otherwise it'll all be gone by the time you get around to YOU. the same holds true for work. while we think that we should do paying jobs first, because after all, that's what's keeping the roof over our heads, when we're done, we have no brain power left for our personal stuff. so, my choice is ME first. read my email, gather ideas for writing & blogging, then do the actual writing and blogging. spend some time marketing, checking out submission guidelines, publishers, etc. at least half of the 8 hour day should be spent on personal work otherwise the success will never come. and breaks have to come in somewhere. breaks were taken at corporate so why not at home? stretches, coffee greaks, lunch, and all AWAY from the computer. again, it frees up the mind to receive.

now, all is ready for the customers. the remainder of the work day is spent on the paying gigs with a fresh, alert and relieved mind, unharried and unscattered. as i've said, i've yet to have a customer complaint but i can see the difference, if only in my approach to their project. and approach, with presentation, is everything.

then dishes, laundry, cooking and cleaning if it wasn't used as a release earlier. time for the significant other and even some time left over for a bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book. there's really nothing magical about it, just harnassing the psycho babble that says "you're scheduled, you're not free." it's that internal critic again, tying up and saying it can't be done. with a little of the old hocus, pocus you can focus and poof, those ties are broken.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

first of firsts

sooo, i decided in may to trying blogging. set up my new website at, then set up a blog through wordpress, which is who my great server yahoo recommends. what a mess. couldn't set the time for chicago. then when i viewed it in ie (i use firefox) it was jumbled beyond recognition. that's getting to be typical with ie. the problem was going to the support forums for wordpress and getting 0 help. so, here i am on blogger, which is bigger and better anyway--so i hear!

so there

now we have everything and a new beginning for the beginner. maybe when i sign up for blogexplosion this time, i will be accepted.

now to have some friends see if they can post.

her we gooooo.

published 6-5-diagnosis

it's a beautiful sunny monday morning on chicago's lakefront and i feel better about friday's material. my daughter in virginia wondered why i didn't have someone with me when i went for my breast ultra sound-someone for moral support and i said i didn't need anyone, it was only an unltra sound. the weekend and my writings proved me wrong. it WAS just an ultra sound but then they ordered a biopsy, so it turned a touch darker. it's possible that the mass found is benign, but of course it's possible that it's not. it wasn't until i read the poem i wrote about it at chicago's printers row book fair, that i realized how deeply i felt about all of it.


published 6-2- another day in the life

well finally i got my boyfriend ken to go look at my truck. it was stalling and dying and was parked four blocks over for a week. he went, fiddled with some wires and shazaam, fixed. i guess its a guy thing. would've been nice if he would've gotten over there sooner, but thats a guy think too. ken time, i call it. he says it's an artists' thing. visual artists are sure a lot different than writers, i'll tell you.

published 6-1-still figuring it out

there's a lot to read about blogging and at some point i'll get thru it all and this will be a worthwhile exercise. right now tho, it's just me and early morning sunrise on lake michigan, cleaning up cat puke and hoping someday to get paid enough for my writing, here or there, to pay the bills. these musings inspired poetry.