This Moment

I have never felt better about the future than I do since I lost my job. I have never felt more at peace, and sure about direction. 

Informing a few of the GED students that tomorrow would be my last day was more traumatic for them that I'd thought, given I was only there a short time. 

   "That's just not fair, when we finally get someone we can relate to and doesn't talk down to us."

So, I had made an impression - good. The two girls are planning to take the test next month and are struggling with the reading and writing. One session with the girl who'd spoken had resulted in a "hero" paper that would easily pass the testing - solid writing without extraneous wording, good formatting and structure with ideas flowing and connecting. I gave her my card and told her to call me for tutoring, "We'll work something out on the payment, we'll barter." 

It is as it should be, and the remainder of my day will be spent in compiling my Georgia trip poetry chapbook for submission. I have a grant proposal to write as a volunteer; I have a few updates and a few phones calls due, but the universe is telling me to pursue the dream. Taking the laptop and the dog onto the deck in the warm summer breeze and following the astute advice. 

Anyway, the chickens have finally started laying, so all is good. 

Another Self Emerges

Self-discovery never seems to end, especially when you’re open to the possibilities. The past two years were chock full of challenges. From putting all my “stuff” in storage to living in my daughters basement, to leaving my cherished cats and striking out on the road of unknown, to staying with total strangers in strange cities, to pulling a 6’ trailer through mountain passes at midnight, then getting lost on an old logging road at 4000’ elevation. Through it all, I learned new things about my strengths, discarded myths about my weaknesses, and grew spiritually with each discovery.

Today, another self emerged through disappointment. In the seven years I facilitated workshops for the Neighborhood Writing Alliance, I thrilled at leading folks into the realization that they had voices, that their words were important and powerful, and that people wanted to read their stories. Those years brought me to the idea that I loved teaching. What I learned today was that it isn’t teaching. I didn’t teach them how to write. I didn’t edit their pieces before publishing. In fact, many of my edits were edited. The joy was in the leading, the guidance, the conversation and dialogue that got them to the point of writing publishable work.

Three weeks of teaching GED reminded me that I am at complete odds with state rules, regulations, and requirements, all which make no sense. The process leaves students, and caring teachers, empty. It’s about meeting mandatory hours, and using books that have no correlation with needs, only scores. There’s no true rapport building with the individual, only process and procedure.

However, spending an hour with a student discussing how to learn their own process, for writing or math or reading, was exhilarating as the student asked deeper and richer questions. Discussing career goals and passions, suggesting possibilities, actually relating to the human, this is what inspires and fulfills me. So, in losing my job due to illness, I've found another self. Now, to follow this new path and carve out some type of living is a new challenge. 

Self-Appreciation

I’m settling nicely into the new job. Registering students for the chance at a successful future, lesson planning, and directing a student to what will help most in preparation for the GED reading test is energizing. Waking early or returning home late doesn’t deplete the energy. Realizing and sharing my talents makes for happy days.

Of course, there are several areas that still need improvement, in my humble opinion. Settling into my country life remains a learning process. In reading Cold Antler Farm’s blog this morning, I have hope.

This weekend I will make the effort to stay in my yard beyond sunset. I will build a fire and sit beneath the stars regardless. I will make a noble attempt to work through the discomfort of humidity and sweat to tend the garden, not just piddle around in it.

Baby steps and self-appreciation for each accomplishment, these things support growth and get us to the pinnacle of goals, so more can be set. Within this, I may even rekindle the ember of writing. 

Commitment Terrors

Commitment Terrors

Today, I begin teaching evening GED classes and assisting with morning classes. 20 hours weekly. I am terrified.

I must roll out of the bed, dress, and function every Monday and Wednesday at 6am  to teach at 8am,  math, reading, and writing to adults hoping for a better future. I must schedule my Tuesdays and Thursdays to have all chores and freelance work done, with a time element for food preparation, by 2pm to face those adults at 3pm.

Since my semi-retirement, I must admit, time management eludes me. Today is Tuesday, the zucchini and cucumbers need tying up, the tomatoes need re-posting, the chicken coop needs cleaning, I have a poetry chapbook to submit, 3pm is GED registration, and I sit here writing my fears to cyber space.

Lesson planning for reading and writing, even for social studies and science will be fun. I will enjoy watching the students make progress. Unfortunately, I need a lesson plan to create a lesson plan for math. How in the world will I explain linear and quartic equations? Who will explain them to me first? I’ll not even mention my GRE math scores.

Will they sense my fear? Will they challenge the weakness?

Walked around the mountaintop with Mello

Among the simple beauty of wildflowers

And the lush growth of nature

A deep breath and a quiet hello

Birthed a moment of positive showers

Attempting to calm the minds scattered picture.